PASS IT ON!_®

There Are Lots of Ways To Be a Family: 
Music and Diversity 

By Mara Sapon-Shevin 

From Pass It On! Issue #37 (Winter 2001)

Many of us in the Children's Music Network ask ourselves often, What do we want for our children—those in our own families and those for whom we sing and perform? Among many things, we want children to notice the diversity in the people around them—that they have different colors of skin, speak different languages, eat different food, are good at different things, and live in different kinds of houses and families. We want children to know that they can be closely connected to people who don't look like them, don't talk like them, don't share every characteristic of their own lives or families.

And, we want children to know that there are problems in the world and that we aren't powerless. We want them to believe that racism is unacceptable, that violence against homosexuals is intolerable, that name-calling and teasing and exclusion damage the very fiber of our community and our society. We want children who will see themselves as powerful players against societal oppression, able to notice when things aren't right, attuned to injustice and unfairness, and willing and skilled in taking a stand.

How, then, can these goals be applied to music about families?

General Principles

In a previous article in PIO! (see winter 2000 editorial), I discussed the merits of various ways to use music to teach about differences. This can be tricky, as there are sometimes conflicting concerns that need to be balanced. But avoidance of difference is not the solution. We are not trying to make differences invisible and encourage people not to see one another fully. This is one important principle to guide us. Some other key points I raised were the following:

	It's important to talk about and sing about differences within a context of commonalities. Differences should never be defined or described in ways that imply that the differences are all there is, nor should we imply that every person or everyone's family is “the same.”
	Songs for young children should avoid introducing the difference and the oppression at the same time. While we want students to be aware of and attentive to issues of discrimination and prejudice, we don't want to imply that all children with a particular individual or family characteristic are rejected or that teasing and exclusion are inevitable for children and families with obvious differences.
	When choosing a song, it's important to consider the audience and the audience's diversity. Some songs might be appropriate in particular audiences and insensitive in others. The capacity to do follow-up work with listeners might be a critical factor in determining the advisability of a particular song.

TEACHING ABOUT FAMILY DIFFERENCES 

If we apply these general principles to “family differences,” how might that look, and what would be important to remember? How can we best acknowledge family differences, making them visible in a way that both normalizes and celebrates them?

Context of Commonality 

Music about families should acknowledge that there are many kinds of families, and that most of them share some key characteristics. We have to be careful in articulating those commonalities, however, since some typical ways of defining families are not accurate. Not all families live together (Dad may live in Arizona and Mom in New York); not all families are related by blood or look alike (there are adoptive families and blended families); and, certainly, not all families have a dad and a mom and kids (some families have two moms or two dads, some have just a mom or a dad, some have a grandma in charge, some are communal, some are foster-care families, and so on).

When singing songs about family, it may be very helpful to define families broadly enough so that many children will see themselves represented. In Uncle Ruthie Buell's “The Family Song,” many different kinds of families are described. For example, consider the following verse:

Susie and her brother 
Live with their mother 
And someone whom their mother loves a lot, 
And they've got a cat named Rover 
And a dog who won't roll over, 
And I'll tell you something else that they have got: 
They've got a family, a real family. 
There may be dust upon the floor, 
The roof might leak above, 
But they're a family, a real family, 
Living in a house that's made of love.*

In Karen Howe's song, “What Makes a Family?” the chorus defines it as “people who are seeing you through, . . . loving, caring for you.” In her verses, she states that a mom alone, a dad and a mom, a child and a dad, or a mom with a friend are all “family” configurations.

In Bill Harley's song, “Family,” the chorus is:

Family is just people living together, 
Family, learning to get along.

One verse reads:

Jamie's got two sisters, 
Sometimes that's no good. 
Tommy doesn't have any at all, 
Sometimes he wishes he could. 
Sarah lives with her father, 
Her mom is far away. 
And Terry's house has got an extra room, 
And her mom's friend is coming to stay.*

Sarah Pirtle's song, “Sing about Us,” has the following chorus:

Sing about us. Tell me again. 
You don't have to be just like me 
To be my friend, be my friend. 
You don't have to be just like me to be my friend.**

When Sarah sings this song with children, she writes new verses to reflect the diversity of the class. In working with a kindergarten class, she was alerted by one of the mothers of a student that it was important that her son's family not be omitted, and she suggested that it be expressed as “we have two moms.” This resulted in this verse:

In some families we live with our grandparents. 
In some families we live with our mom and dad. 
In some families, we have two homes. 
You know, love makes a family. 
In some families we live with our mom. 
In some families we have two moms. 
In some families we have a foster mom. 
Every family is a good family.**

Sarah reports that the children smiled in recognition when their particular family configuration was mentioned, and another child spoke up (in addition to the boy with lesbian parents), saying, “I have two moms. And I have two homes. There's my mom and my stepmom.”

In a similar vein, there's Ruth Pelham's song, “Under One Sky,” whose chorus says, “We're all a family under one sky, we're a family one sky.” This is a “zipper” song that could be written to incorporate verses relating to family differences.

Separate the Difference from Oppression 

Singing about nontraditional families without implying that there is anything “problematic” about such situations is critical. In Jenny and David Heitler-Klevans' wonderful song, “Love Makes a Family,” many kinds of families are described, including those with divorced parents, children who are adopted, and childless couples. After serious consideration, Jenny and David recently changed the words to the verse about lesbian parents so that it would describe the situation without linking it to teasing or mistreatment. The new verse reads:

Our friend has a sister and also two mothers, 
He doesn't have a dad and he doesn't have brothers. 
Through good times and bad they take care of each other, 
And their house, it is filled with love.*

While teachers would certainly want to discuss any situations in which students from gay or lesbian families (or any other kind of family) were actually being teased or excluded, the song does not introduce that marginalization or oppression as inevitable or normative.

Consider Your Audience 

While we wish that all families were consistently places of love and support, this is not true. We have to make places in our performing and teaching for the fact that not all families are places of love and safety. While we may not want to name this explicitly, it can be helpful to be aware that songs about loving, happy families may be challenging or painful for some listeners (including adult listeners!). Ruth Pelham's “I Cried” is a wonderful example of a song about a child's pain in the face of parental separation or divorce. While there is evidence of caring and loving parents who attempt to reassure the child of their continuing love, the child in the song is, nonetheless, sad and disturbed by the situation.

Such a song may give young listeners (and adults) the chance to talk about what's hard in their families and to get support for the wide range of challenges that families face. When choosing to sing or teach this or any similar song, it's good to keep in mind that some listeners may need to have somebody “safe” to talk to about it, afterward. It may be insensitive simply to leave after singing such a song, so it's good to ensure in advance that there will be some sort of follow-up support, perhaps in the form of a group discussion facilitated by the performer or teacher and a counselor.

The music we share with young people provides us with multiple opportunities to shape their understanding of what constitutes a family, how we care for and about one another in relationships, and what it means to loved. Let's continue the commitment to making music that allows all listeners to feel included and embraced, confident that they are lovable and capable of loving. These are critical messages, and our work is important.

*© Uncle Ruthie Buell; used with permission. 
*© Round River Music; used with permission. 
**© Sarah Pirtle; used with permission. 
*© Jenny & David Heitler-Klevans; used with permission.

Mara Sapon-Shevin is Professor of Education at Syracuse University. Her latest book is a practical guide for building cooperative, inclusive classroom communities.